Psychologists say that when men are conversing together, they prefer to sit in a “side-by-side frame”, precluding eye contact, with their shoulders parallel to one another. These findings are in stark contrast to those found with women in conversation, who prefer a “vis-a-vis frame” with greater eye contact and more general immediacy, such as leaning forward and nodding the head. We may never have considered it before, but whether it’s sitting side-by-side watching football at the pub or sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on bus seats next to each other, men will know this orientation well. You might like crossing your legs at a 45 degree angle or looking into the distance or checking your phone.
Men are often informed (although still not often enough) about the crisis of male mental health and about the alarming rates of young men committing suicide. But how do you actualise the scale of this crisis to a segment of society who struggle to look each other in the eyes? As young men, we are told we should be checking in with our friends, we are told we should be asking if they’re ok, but young male friendships very rarely possess the emotional intimacy to negotiate these conversations. Stoking a conversation about mental health may well be possible for many after a few beers at the pub but there are hundreds of conversations between “I’m struggling a bit at the moment, mate” and “I don’t want to be here anymore”. As friends, we must accept that while finding support can be as simple as starting a conversation, it sometimes isn’t, and we have to develop the skills to listen to the bespoke coping mechanisms of our loved ones.
I am very lucky to have multiple male friends with whom I share my issues and I always hope that my honesty prompts others to share with me. Nonetheless, it would be naive to think that other young men are happy to do the same, and it is vital that even those with good support networks are appreciative of that fact. We must accept our male friendships as they are now, not as the melting pots of effusive, thoughtful and empathetic discourse that we might want them to be. You cannot force your friends to open up to you – as frustrating as that might be sometimes – but at the very least you can listen and be receptive to their subliminal signals. There are no prescriptive warning signs because there is no one-size-fits-all approach to mental health, but we know our friends and we have a responsibility to get to know the signs that they might want to get something off their chest.
Maybe you only see him at the pub and he asks to go on a dog-walk, maybe he’s told you he’s not getting out of the house enough at the moment. Maybe he’s fine, but you’re always better off showing up and being there for him – even if he does just want to sit side-by-side and watch football.
